A Husband's Authority and Responsibility Over His Family

In the name of Allāh, and blessing and peace be upon Rasūlullāh.

Islam is not a harsh and misogynistic religion as portrayed by the west and unfortunately, cultural practices done by Muslims. When it comes to the hierarchy of marriage, however, some Muslims do not understand it within an Islamic framework and instead view it from a liberal perspective, making it difficult for themselves to put it into practise and appreciate its benefits. Allah Ta'ala describes the relationship between the husband and wife as one in which they are the "garments of one another." In the Qur'an, we find that He has emphasised tranquility, peace and love in marriage. Thus, marriage is not meant to be a battleground of dominance, neither is the relationship between the husband and wife meant to be one of master and slave.

Let us remember throughout this reminder that no son of Adam (as) has superiority over another except through piety. Plainly, men are not better in the sight of Allah Ta'ala than women, and vice versa. This fact, however, does not contradict the next part: Allah Ta'ala has created men and women differently, with different strengths and weaknesses, to fulfil distinct roles and responsibilities. These differences are meant to complement one another, and not to suggest that one gender is better than the other due to x y z roles. It is  both the secular system and some cultures that have placed more importance on/tied success with x role more than y, along with other ideologies that promote hyper-independence, self-obsession, and recalcitrant behaviour. Those influenced by such ideologies begin to have an issue with the role and "limits" of a woman.

Just as any organisation requires a leader to run smoothly and unitedly, so does a family. Having two equal leaders of the family (both the husband & wife) will naturally lead to an inability to resolve issues, and a never-ending clash of authority and status, causing the family to collapse. Thus, Allah Ta'ala has given this responsibility to the husband. Does this mean the husband can be dictator? No. It is encouraged for a husband to consult his wife in major matters and see to her needs and feelings. As for a wife, it is encouraged for her to consult her husband (and at times, it is necessary for her to  ask for permission) for necessary matters. The details of these matters are not cut-and-dried, so every household can organise its affairs accordingly. The husband and wife can mutually decide what works for them. This works as perfectly as it works in your conventional company office.

Some people utterly disagree with this and assume that any mention of 'male authority' is problematic. We wonder, why is that? Why have some women become so averse to living under their husband's leadership and authority? Are Muslim men failing to correctly practice this Islamic guideline and are abusing their positions, or, has the western ideologies deluded women about their empowerment so much that they don't bat an eye about living under the authority of a random Tom, Dick, and Harry in the other sectors of life but not their own husbands' and well-wishers'? I think, it is a lot of both. Muslim men must educate themselves on how they must correctly apply this position of leadership whilst women must acquaint themselves with the benefits of this system and how they can harmonize with it. This system set by our Shari'ah, in which the husband is primarily in charge of outside activities, and the wife is in charge of internal household affairs, is supposed to work wonders. This is why Islam places much importance on the compatibility of the individuals wanting to get married; because when the couple is compatible, love one another, and have similar mindsets and goals, they will work together whilst showing care, respect and patience. 

Only when the couple do not get along, do not understand their roles/responsibilities, and men use this role as a prescription for dictatorship, is when conflicts will arise. But wait! "Khadijah (radi Allahu 'anha) was a business-woman!" and "So and so participated in battle!" and "So and so taught men in public squares!" Although there is no denying that our history is filled with exceptionally skilled women, this is not about what women can and cannot do in general. Rather, this is about what a husband and wife's primary role is in a family unit. Irrespective of what some of the pious women of our predecessors did, like participate in battle, it was never at the cost of their primary roles as mothers and wives. Furthermore, none of this should be taken out of context to say that it implies that a woman cannot work, cannot have an education, must remain patient in an abusive relationship, not share her opinions, not bring up issues with her husband. No part of this has made any such claim.

However, going back to the main point, Allah has given husbands the responsibility to be the leaders of their homes. This authority that Allah has given men is to facilitate ease and structure in marriage, not to give them the power to abuse those under their care. Men who do that will have to answer to Allah on the Day of Judgment. This role given to men is more of an accountability than a privilege. Thus, men should be mindful of this and must not use it to be controlling. The Prophet ﷺ said: "Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of the people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband's home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock." [Source: Sahih Al-Bukhari 7138, Sahih Muslim 1829]